Fear Part III

I really connected with Michelle Vaughn’s fear assignment. She talked about body image and its impacts on her life and how its a hurdle for people. I totally agree with this. I too am not a small person. Over the last few years I have began to accept it. That right there is actually the scary part for me. I lose and gain back the same 45 lbs yearly. It scares me that gaining it back doesnt bother me like it used to. But, this is who I am.

I think society is starting to take a change in how they see people like me. Especially, in the fashion indusrty. I know size 0’s will always be the desire and what we should like of as the norm, but my money is just as good as the next.

When I see people judging others, I feel really sorry for them. They must be super insecure and lead patheic lived. That won’t change. This is who I am.

 

Thanks for a great class!

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Fear – Part Deux

For my fear assignment, I decided to talk about how I am dealing with a crippling amount of debt. I had a rough start to my 20’s. It was my fault, no one to blame but myself. Everyone always tell me that I am lucky no one was killed when I collided with a lady in Greenwood, Indiana on September 25, 2010. This led to lawsuits, a pause in schooling, and taking jobs I HATEEEEEEEE to keep up with the bills.

Up until 30 seconds before it was my turn to present, I was contemplating making something else up. I hate talking about this. I get horrible anxiety. I get dizzy, cold sweats, and my ears ring. So when I started presenting, I thought I was going to pass out. But i didn’t. I started to tear up, but I stopped it.

When I was talking about it, and I looked around the room, I saw looks of pity and relief. I wasn’t expecting that at all. I was expecting no sympthy. Through class discussion, I came to the conclusion that this problem is not real. It is real in the sense that it will follow me forever and that I won’t be able to tap my heels and make it go away. But I am healthy, and I am still ‘living’. You hear about these stories ot sick kids, or dying spouses, or countries being blown the F up, and all of a sudden I feel so shallow. #firstworldproblems….

I saw and heard this from other people in the class too. This is my biggest fear, and it seems so small. It dawned on me the night after presenting. I don’t want a pity party. I want people to realize that these problems are small and we shouldn’t put all of our focus on money. I am 26 years old and I feel like I have wasted the last few years of my life trying to fx this. I can’t fix this in a day, so I should chill out and just do my best.

  

FEAR

What is fear? When I sat down to put it into words, I actually found it pretty difficult. The dictonary defines it as  a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., For me, fear is the unknown. I want to have everything planned out, or I at least want to have an idea of what is going to happen. 

I could not pinpoint my biggest fear, it took me about a week. When I finally stopped thinking about it, it was so easy. it was sitting right in front of me. I think most people in the class will relate to it. We compare everything we do, want to do, and can’t do to it. I feel my “fear” is bigger than most.  When I  start to think about it and how it is going to rule my life, I get really bad anxiety and completely tune it. My ears start ringing and I usually want to go to sleep.  Some people in the class might think that my fear it too obvious and did not go deep enough, but I assure you…..im terrified of this shit. 

Take Away 11-11-13

We spent most of our time going over our vision boards during last class. It was interesting to see how we all need different things to look at. I chose pictures from a recent vacation. This recent trip showed me that I cannot put all of my time into work. It is draning me and it is having a toll on my relationships. I am tired and angry all of the time. I put out fires at my job all day and I feel like I never get anything done. I have to learn to take a step back and set work hours for myself. I am too close to this situation and during our last meeting other people were able to show me the bigger picture that I should be looking at.

Vision Board

When you assigned the bliss assignment I got really excited. I was going on vacation the next week and was really worried about missing class. So this put me at ease and really gave me time to think about my creative environment. 

 For the last 4 years or so I have been working nonstop. I started this degree program in 2006 and now I just now finishing it up. During the last couple months I have kind of woken up. I worked my 20’s away. I worked myself into a good position at a company, and I plan on staying here for a while. It makes dealing with student loans a lot easier. But now that I am realizing that I am not happy, it is hard to surrender my work responsibilities. I havent taken a vacation in years, I hardly see my friends, and when I get home I am so tired from working and the commute that I don’t want to do much other than watch tv or go to bed.

So I decided I was going on vacation. My best friend from high school and  I went to Disney World and on a cruise. We left the boyfriends at home and set out. I had never been to Disney World that that was amazing. That place is on some kind of pixie dust crack. Must be good stuff because that place is the real deal. We went in the middle of the week. The stars and planets must have been in alignment because the crowds we not bad at all. After 2 days at Disnet we drove to Miami for a cruise to the Bahamas. Long story short, I haven’t been that relaxed …..ever. I forgot what is was like to not be on a schedule. I often work weekends so I don’t get to sleep in. I slept in everyday on the cruise. When we went to the beach, I didn’t have a care in the damn world other than if I needed more rum.  This is what I need. It clears my head and lets my brain do its thing. Being with my friend, it was so easy to have a good time. I can work well under pressure. But when I am not under pressure or if I am not already planning my days three weeks into the future, my work is more natural and has more of my esthetic. I am sure this is true with anyone, but it was eye opening for me. I came back feeling so refreshed. I have been killing myself for this company. This work isn’t what I imagined myself doing, but it pays well. YUK! I have become the person that I have always felt sorry for.  

I get three weeks of vacation a year. I am taking my capstone next semester and I am seriously considering going to the beach for a week to work on it for spring break.

My vision board is some photos and words from my vacation. It also has some of my friends on it. I am taking 21 credit hours right now and working 55 hours a week. I need to chill out. I am 26 years old. I need to have fun. Everything I do it easier, better, and more pleasing if I am not trying to kill myself to get everything accomplished. I always plan to much. Hopefully that will start to change.  I am going to hang this above my computer in my office.

 

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TRAVIS!!!!!

I got paired with Travis for our latest experiment. We only talked for a few minutes, but he seems like he really knows what he wants and where he wants to go.

Travis’s word was ‘creative’. After talking to Travis at the end of class I knew that I wanted to make something fun. Travis mentioned that he wanted to work for Pixar during his introduction. I knew that I wanted to use that.

Side note: I got through these weird phases where I am super into something for a couple days and then it suddenly wears off. Two weeks ago it was baking….

I thought to myself, I’LL MAKE PIXAR CUPCAKES!!!!

Fast forward to yesterday….. I am going on vacation on Tuesday  and will be gone for a week.  I am enrolled in 7 class this semester so I have been getting caught up on all of my homework for the next 2 weeks. BAM everything is done EXCEPT….the cupcakes.

I started thinking about it, and my favorite Pixar movie is Toy Story. Hands down the greatest.

Travis said that he loves chocolate, so making a chocolate cupcake was a no brainer. But then what……. I didnt take pictures so you’ll have to wait until class 🙂